Category: Deeisms

Mum said “When you next iron the wooden shelves”

Mum’s father who was a chest consultant, apparently ran a clinic one night a week for people who farted too much!

Mum tucked a label in on my top & said “I’m just tucking your battery in”

Mum was doing up the buttons of her raincoat and said “I’ll be warmer once I’ve done up my towels”

Looking at my friends pretty nails “did the NHS do them for you?”

Mum asked me “Do you want the tubes (boots) for your legs upstairs?”

A stick covered in plastic to teach Dad if he was retired???!!!

Mum opened a box of Bendick’s chocolates.  Giggling away she said “It’s been years since I bent a dick!”

I was told by Mum “You’re just making a chat so you can address yourself to help yourself!”  I have no idea what that means or where it came from…..

Craig David performance on TV.  Mum loved his voice & at the end said “That’s why I never get drunk, you don’t know how you’re going to behave & you may be sick!”

Top of the Pops.  Film of Beyonce with an award.  Mum said “I don’t know who she is but he looked very happy sucking that award thing.”

Mum said “This song leaves me dead!”
I said “Maybe flat would be more appropriate than dead?  Dead is a bit dramatic?!”
Mum said “Yes you’re right.  It leaves me fat!”

Mum “Do we have a calendar?”
Me “Yes”
Mum “Good, it makes me more religious!”

Shocked that the postman was wearing shorts in cold weather Mum said “His legs will be cold & it will make him worse in bed!”

“I used to come to the Victoria (Threemilestone pub) on my way to the airport to fly to Ibiza & buy lots of food to take home, they loved it in Ibiza!”

Mum said “I forgot to say Happy New Year to the taxi driver!”  Good job as it was 1st May!

Mum asked me “Where did I get this shirt?”  I said Matalan.  Mum said “Where’s that, Spain?”

Last time Mum & I walked passed the flea market she told me that they sell cages full of fleas as pets!

Mum got annoyed that her digital watch had been saying 12 for a while but the numbers after it are changing all the time!

The other morning when about to get washed mum realised that she was still wearing her watch and her night time wrist alarm.  She came out of the bathroom holding her wrists towards me saying “I need to take these clogs off my corners, they’re bumpy & clunky!”
These funny moments are the ones you cling to for dear life!!!!  When dealing with such a shitty and cruel disease you have to find the humour wherever you can and these days I’m even more grateful for it as it’s no longer so often xxx

Mum & I were talking about monkeys.  She said “People in hospitals have monkey’s, no not hospitals, what’s it called when people are locked up?”
“Prison?”
“That’s right.  People in prison like to have monkeys or other wild animals, when they’re allowed to, otherwise they have toy ones!”

The lady Mum had a meeting with at Truro Cathedral was her best customer when she used to sell paper sheets!

This morning after her wash Mum walked into her bedroom to get dressed & I heard her say “I won’t be offended if you don’t join me in the mornings!”  I assumed that our cat Kobie had got into her room but when I asked her who she was talking to she said her fat stomach!

Mum said “Someone asked me about kids once & I said you just feed them, they like that AND it keeps them alive!”

“I went out with the lady this morning who was a scientist.  She couldn’t find what she was looking for but I found it.”  I asked “What was it?”  “The address of where we needed to go!”

Mum says we have fish every night because we have a pussy cat & a pussy cat is a fish!

Mum gasped in shock when sitting on a cold plastic toilet seat in a public toilet and said “My Father always insisted on leather, no wool, no wooden seats!”

We were sat in a pub and I was telling mum a story.  I know that when her gaze drifts that she’s even less able to follow what is being said.
Me:  “What are you looking at?”
Mum: “Four young men have just left the pub, it’s a shame we’re not behind them!”
Me:  “I was telling you a story”
Mum:  “I know I’m listening”
Me:  “What was the last thing I said then?”
Mum:  “What are you looking at?”

Mum was struggling to the light the oven.
Me:  “Did it light?”
Mum:  “Thank you!”
Me:  “What did you hear me say?”
Mum:  “You look light!”

An advert came on the TV and mum said:
“I don’t like the name but people won’t forget it!”
Me:  “I didn’t hear it, what was it?”
Mum:  “I can’t remember!”

On the flight to Malta with Ryanair mum was looking at the clothing the male attendant was wearing, she reads EVERYTHING!
Mum:  “He’s got an unusual name!  His shirt says Ryanair just like the name stickers we wear at Singing For The Brain!”

On the same flight a lady was stood waiting to go to the toilet but couldn’t get past the hostess with the trolley.  I said to the lady:
“You’ve been waiting along time”
Lady says: “I can’t get passed”
Mum chokes on her drink and says to me “Did she just call the trolley lady a bastard?”

Doing an exercise with mum where she has to take a deep breath with the intention of it going to her brain so it requires her to rise her arms above her head.  Mum says:  “Why am I taking my arms up above my head when my brain is in my chest?”  I’m pleased to say that this misconception only lasted a day.

Out to lunch with mum & I went to the bar to order our food.  When I returned to the table she was reading the menu.  She’s reads everything everywhere, road signs, notices etc.  She asked me “What are sawduffs?”  Show me I said.  She was reading about ‘Sour doughs.

As we got out of a taxi in May 2015, mum turns to me and says “I forgot to wish the taxi driver a Happy New Year!”
Then she asks me later “Where did you get that shirt from?”  I replied “Matalan” (a clothing store in Threemilestone), mum said “Where’s that?  Spain?”

Just told Mum I don’t really have a fever, just a bit of a temperature.  She told me it’s probably because I’m small.  Her Father (who was a Doctor) always told her when she had a fever that it was because she was smaller then normal people.

Mum said “Aren’t we lucky to have fresh air on our doorstep, we don’t have to drive anywhere to get it!”  I think she meant town.

We were having a pre-dinner drink and I said to mum “I’d better get dinner ready.”  Mum said “What about breakfast?”
She’s happy to have a Bacardi and Coke before breakfast??????

Mum & I were walking back from Iceland & saw a really cool Police Motorbike.
She said “I guess if you need one then it’s good to be able to recognise a piggy bike.  Why did I say piggy?  I meant police!”

“My friends husband used to come in this pub all the time & he was always falling over so she asked me to help him with his shoes!”

When Mum was discharged from Oncology & Sang “Yippee yippee yoo, let’s have a cuppa tea & then we’ll do a poo!”

“We’ve had all the seasons in the weather today.  Winter, summer, autumn & Christmas!”

“When I worked at Harrods & did the accounts, I could look at numbers & add them in my head.  I didn’t need a microwave!”

Hilarious trip to Treliske hospital.  Walking behind an elderly couple who were very slow as the man had crutches.  The lady apologised when she realised we were behind them & tried to make room for us to pass.
Mum says “No rush, no rush!”  Looking at the gentleman she says “Shame the sun’s not shining (which it was but obviously not indoors) & then you could lay down & take all your clothes off!”
The lady looked shock (I gave her a grin & a wink & she relaxed, that’s about all you can do in these situations I find) but the man said “Don’t let me stop you!”
Mum then needs the toilet but is insistent on going alone incase the doctor calls for her while she’s in there.  She comes back 5 minutes later apologising to me for all the commotion.  When I asked what she meant she said “I had my knickers round my ankles, no wrists, no knees & a lady comes banging on the door asking if I’m okay.  I’d pulled the emergency cord thinking it was the light switch!”

At Treliske hospital Mum went to take her shoes off, I told her she didn’t need to as there’s a roll of paper towel on the bed to keep it clean.  Mum said “I thought that was there incase someone needed to spell from their rear end!” Yep SPELL!

Early for our hospital appointment so as we got out of the car mum says “Shall we have a cigarette then?”  Urm….which one of us smokes & where shall we get a cigarette from???

Mum told a waiting room full of patients that the bar she worked in in Spain had banned people with crutches, glasses, wheelchairs etc!  Of course she soon changed that!

“I’d rather not be in pain!  I’d rather have a Mars Bar!”  Oh the hilarity of morphine!

At the Doctor’s & Mum said her eyes were fuzzy, then had a sip of water & said they were now fine!

Driving with mum where there were roadworks & a new surface.  We drive past the ‘Cats Eyes Removed’ sign & she started crying.  “Why have they removed the eye of the local cats?”  We did have a good laugh afterwards.

Mum feeling nauseous & me fighting a cold & fever.  I moved & said “Bleh”.
Mum goes “Ahh darling do you feel…..feel groovy like me?”
She lost it giggling once she realised she’d got the wrong word.

At Singing For The Brain we were handed a sheet with the words to Cockles & Mussels on it.  Mum lost it giggling & I asked if she remembered the song or not.  She couldn’t answer as she was giggling so much until eventually she got enough of a grip to share with me that she believed these to be “Men’s parts!”

Holding a flower vase mum said “Where does this beer mat go?”

We were in Pets at Home about 6-8 weeks after getting Kobie, mum’s cat who she kept calling a dog.  She was looking at a cute owl toy & said “Oh it’s so cute, how can we not get it?” I said Kobie had a couple of toys already etc.  Anyhow, she clearly loved it & so I said “Put it in the trolley then” & she said “I can’t think of anyone who has a cat that we can buy it for though!”

Mum’s cat Kobie came in from the rain, jumped on the sofa next to her & she started to stroke him.
She said “He’s wet on this bit but not on that bit!”
So I said “Stroke him on that bit then!”
She said “Who’s a rabbit?”

Mum told our cat Kobie “Smelling my boobs won’t get you anywhere darling!”

Mum said “Look, look, black cat in the garden!”
Me “Yep, that’s your cat Kobie!”

After a morning of feeding her cat Kobie, brushing him & helping me to administer his ear drops mum stated “There’s a black cat sat in our hallway!”

Yesterday when Kobie, mum’s cat, was hassling me for food I said to him “There’s food in your bowl!”  Mum heard me say “There’s poo in your car!”

Mum just said she’s going to feed the dog.  I asked does she mean the cat?  Her response was “I’m just terrified that 1 day I’ll ask someone to come & meet my son (cat)!”

So many times a day I hear “Who’s Kobie?”  Mum’s cat x

Mum told me her boy cat Kobie is “Cleaning his vagina!”