So….when asked where the cat Emily is (who died 30yrs ago) I get away with saying “she’s probably out & will be in later”.
Now it’s the dog (who died 25yrs ago), but saying she’s out is distressing so I had to tell the truth, which was worse……..
It’s not all funny comments. This morning Mum said “Sometimes I want to cry because I’m so empty! My head used to be full of things & now it’s empty & I’m a dickhead!”
It doesn’t matter how much you laugh or distract. The fact remains that I can no longer have a conversation with my Mum, tell her about my day or expect her to make any sense. It’s worse than living alone. It’s like the loneliness you can feel in a relationship that no longer works. Like you are trapped in a sad & isolated bubble. She expresses nothing but love & gratitude (mostly) & gets back irritation & rolling eyes (quite often). Each day I think I’ll do better tomorrow & tomorrow I’m just more warn down & sad. Heyho!
When you live day in day out with someone who is mentally deteriorating it can be hard to see how fast it is or isn’t progressing. I’ve realised a huge marker for me is when seeing others. Like taking Mum to her Podiatrist for the first time in 2 months & Seeing how different she was to how she normally is with him. Or seeing her GP about her, but without her (at his suggestion) because it’s easier & him expressing great sadness at how different she is. Or her Singing For The Brain teacher telling me how frail she looks & how much she’s aged.
To hear my Mum always say “Was I okay today? Did I behave alright?” breaks my heart.